Random Rantings.....

Much to the horror of my mother, I give you my following random thoughts......

Bad Drivers

People who wait until the very last possible moment to get over during construction, are big, fat, self-centered, egotistical jerks. Do not worry about anyone else, Capitan Universe…..It’s your world…. I am just living in it.

Just try not to get too put out when I finally allow the Mister to throw pennies out of the window at your sorry self.

Never mind. You will anyways.

Tailgating is the equivalent to bullying and childish all the same. Stop it.

95% of this earth’s population cannot drive properly while on a cell phone. ‘Nuff said.

The left turn lane, is a turn lane and will always be JUST a turn lane. Using it to satisfy your need to be in among the herd of cattle blasting past you to try and MERGE is just sinful and causes undo panic for those of us in the driving lane.


Health and Beauty

I want an explanation for HOW the tube top and Jackie O sunglasses got past the fashion police again.

Razor-blade bone definition is not cute or sexy. Any man telling you so is probably eating his weight every day anyways.

Eat.

Malnourishment takes more years off of your life span than if you were to smoke two packs of cigarettes a day with a whiskey chaser. You will be skinny when you are dead, yes…but not attractive. Sorry.

Protein shakes are not food. Food is something you chew.

Why is it that some bras actually make you look wonderful while others make you look like you look like you are forever stuck in a mammogram machine? Are there other shapes of breasts BESIDES round and curvy?

Blue eye shadow is horrid. Always will be…..and telling me I am a “cool” does not negate this fact.

Men and Sex

I read a blog the other day where a man was boasting about “making a girl have an orgasm seven times!”

Ok. Even under the absolute best, drug-induced scenario, this is not possible. I am sorry to have to disband a ton of myths here, but NO.

Maybe, just maybe if she really was not faking the hell out of it and she did manage…Ok, let’s say THREE….trust me when I say it had really nothing to do with you at all anyways.

Sorry.

Women either do or they do not. The fact that you could not tell the difference between fact and fiction says a lot.

And while style, speed, emotions, rhythm, moon position, gravity pull, music and how she feels about herself at that MOMENT have the majority ruling in any orgasm, your presence there is just a minor player in that game sir.

It takes six whole months to get over horrible sex and even longer to get over a horrible kisser.

Women really do not care how much hair you have on your head. No….REALLY we do not. We do care however about how you style what you have. Denial is not sexy.

Size DOES matter.

I can love you like crazy and still not think you bending over naked in front of me is sexy.

Farting is not foreplay.


Sorry CrabbyMomma…I know your toes are curling and you are praying like hell that the computers at your work take a power surge…..but it all had to be said.

Have a good week!